My Shadow Of Eden

Which do I long for more?
Which do I want to hear,
Standing in the woods alone,
The music of man,
Or the music of nature?

I know not.
I thank God for music all the same,
And I long for you, my love,
To hear, to see, to feel,
What I, in this moment, do.

To know, more than ever,
What Eden might have been,
To see what Adam might have seen,
To experience a shadow,
Of how Adam might have known God.

These trees,
Are the trees of life.
This river,
Water for my soul.
And you… You are my Eve.

I wish you were here,
To walk with me,
To talk with me,
And I wish I could embrace you,
The way these woods are embracing me.

All Photos Belong To Dean Marais

Courage in a World Full of Darkness – A Short Story

The darkness had come for her with determination,
and he had destroyed it without mercy and without question.
He had drenched himself in the blood of evil men, for her.

………

We could make a good life here, Hezekiah thought as he sipped his morning tea on the veranda of the old Dutch Mission. An early morning rain was smashing against the tin roof, and the sound brought a deep peace from a source Hez could not pinpoint, but he basked in the moment none the less. From the veranda, Hez could see the lagoon clearly, and it was grey with sheets of rain falling in patterns above the surface. A loud crash of thunder came rolling in from the sea, and Hez watched as some of the younger kids danced around in the rain wearing nothing but their underwear, and having a fantastic time in the mud and water. After a few minutes of content musings, Hez went back inside the house, and as he walked down the hall, he peered inside Saori’s room. The door was slightly open, and he could see her sleeping quietly in her bed. Her jet black hair lay all over the pillow, and he could make out the outline of her young brown body through the white flannel sheets. Hez pushed open the door and walked quietly over to the bed. The two glass doors leading onto the veranda, rattled behind the curtains as the wind pushed up against them.  Hez sat down softly on the bed, and lightly stroked the hair from Saori’s face, and he smiled to himself as he marveled at the delicate beauty of the woman in front of him. Saori slowly opened her eyes, but seeing Hez through the haze startled her, and she let out a slight gasp as she sat up quickly, covering herself with the sheet as she did.

“Chill out girlie! It’s just me!” Hez said putting his hand gently on her arm.

“I’m sorry… I thought you were someone else…” Saori said softly as she rubbed her eyes, and looked around the room.

Who? Hez wondered.

“What time is it?” she asked

“Around eight…”

Saori collapsed back down onto the bed. “It’s eeearly,” she said drowsily.

“Well I am heading down the road to help some of the locals cut literally tons of banana’s out of their trees, and I was wondering if you wanted to come? Oh and there is hot tea in the kitchen.”

“Bananas? I don’t think I want to go watch you cut down bananas at eight in the morning… but you have fun.” Saori said as she buried her head back in her pillow.

“Ok… Well I guess I’ll see your lazy ass later.” He said giving Saori a loud slap on her backside as he stood up and swallowed the last gulp of his tea.

“I’m not lazy… I’m sleepy…” Saori reiterated softly as Hez walked towards the door.

“Whatever you say girlie,” Hez said entering the hallway, “I’ll see you in a couple hours priest!” He yelled as he walked past the office at the end of the hallway.

“Alright my son. There is a machete you can use by the gate. Have one of the children show you where it is.” Father Lewis replied loudly.

………

Father Lewis ran the mission. He was an ex English journalist turned priest. He had ended up in Malaysia after Vietnam, and he spent several years drinking heavily and wandering in and out of the brothels of Kuala Lampur. His predecessor would minister to women in the red light district, and found him one night in a drunken rage. Lewis had been determined to kill one of the girls he was trying to buy for the night because she had whispered something to one of her friends, and it had sent his intoxicated mind into a frenzy. When the pimps intervened and started to beat Lewis to a pulp, his predecessor broke up the fight, and talked them into letting him take Lewis back to the mission where he would not bother anybody else. Lewis was not too keen to go with the gracious priest, but did so anyway because it certainly beat dying. It was a long road but the priest finally got through to Lewis, and ever since his decision to become a priest himself, Father Lewis has been helping whoever he could from the locals, to the women in the red light district that he had once used and abused. He finally took over the mission on his predecessor’s deathbed.

After the tsunami, he turned the mission into an orphanage caring for almost twenty children. The mission was an old Dutch Estate with several old houses, and was self-sustainable in the sense that they grew their own food, and brought in money by selling what they could of the small crop of natural rubber that they produced and the fish that the older kids caught in their canoes. He did what he could to try and educate the orphans, but mostly he tried to teach them basic trade skills. It was a hard life, but it was a fulfilling one, and when Hezekiah and Saori sailed into his lagoon, he welcomed them the same way he welcomed all strangers in need on his doorstep.

………

A few nights earlier a handsome and wealthy Chinaman arrived on his Private Jet in Kuala Lampur. To anyone who did not know better, the Chinaman looked like your typical wealthy businessman, but to the men waiting around the limos on the tarmac, he was a dark hero, a man who demanded their respect and commanded their fear. His name was Tao Sun III, and he was the son of one of the most prominent and feared traffickers in South East Asia. He was consumed with greed, lust, and violence. Rumors abounded about him having killed body guards and girls on a whim because of his temper, and many girls had been seen bloodied and bruised on the mornings after his “visits”. His family owned brothels all over the region, including Hong Kong, Phnom Phen, and Tokyo. His family was extensively involved in the trafficking of drugs, weapons, and people, but Tao had been appointed to manage their red light district accounts. He had arrived in Malaysia to find fresh girls for their brothels in Hong Kong. In order to do so he would travel to the outlying towns of the cities he was staying in, and seduce the girls and their families with promises of education, jobs, and a monthly income which they could send home to their families. He was eloquent and charming, and it did not take much to get these families to trust him. Every trip he would find dozens of girls from their early teens to their early twenties, and load them into suv’s and fly them out of the country. It wasn’t until they reached Hong Kong and were relieved of all their travel documents that they suspected anything was wrong, and by that point it was too late. The monthly money made the families assume all was ok, and within weeks the girls had completely disappeared in the maze of Asia’s criminal underground. Tao Sun would keep whichever girls he chose, and sell the rest to the highest bidder, whether it be wealthy businessmen or other brothel owners. After a couple of months the money would cease being sent to the families and they never saw their children again. Most of the girls never lived passed three years because of the constant drug use and incessant raping. The Sun family made millions annually off of human trafficking alone. There was an endless supply of trusting families, and an endless demand for girls.

The night of his arrival, Tao Sun met with all of his brothel owners in Kuala Lampur’s red-light district to see how business was, and to collect his money. During dinner several of the brothel owners, who hated Father Lewis, suggested that Tao visit the old Dutch Mission for his first batch of girls. They told him of the priest’s love of the children and how he would do anything to better their lives, making him the perfect target, not to mention that all the kids were orphans which made it even less risky for his family. Tao Sun liked what he had heard about the mission, and decided he would head down there first. The idea of stealing children out of such a sanctuary of safety appealed to the consuming darkness within him, and the thought of it made him feel powerful.

………

The rain had stopped and Hez had been gone for about four hours. Saori walked over to the hammocks by the beach, and climbed into one with her poetry book. She opened up the book having already made up her mind that this day was going to be one of relaxation. All the chores that needed to be done could be done tomorrow she reasoned. The clouds gave the mission a much needed break from the heat, and a cool breeze blew off the water and flowed between the palm trees. Father Lewis came out of the house when he saw her lying in the hammock through his office window. He had been writing all morning, and decided to rest awhile. He had not spent much time with Saori during their time at the mission, and he wondered if it had anything to do with the story of his past. Hez however had taken a strong liking to the priest, and they would often stay up late at night to talk about philosophy and the war. Hez felt he could relate to Father Lewis because the priest had been in Vietnam and seen war as he had. Saori would sit in the kitchen and listen for a while, but often would head to her bed early to read. Her new freedom instilled a strong hunger for knowledge within her. She would read Hez’s father’s poetry book and had read it all the way through several times since her emancipation. Hez had given it to her after he had seen how much she enjoyed reading it, and she would read herself to sleep as the men continued talking in the kitchen well into the early hours of the morning.

She turned to a small poem, that she had come to love because it reminded her of Hez. It read:

What chance does beauty have
In a world full of darkness and fire?
Beauty, fragile like a flower,
Stands defenseless and alone,
And the dark ravenously pursues her.
Waiting to tear away her innocence,
Waiting to crush her spirit,
Who might stand up to the inferno?
Who might pluck her from this night,
And plant her back down
In a fortress of peace and love?

 “Who might pluck her from this night” She repeated to herself quietly.

“How are you doing my dear?” Father Lewis called out as he approached the hammocks breaking her train of thought.

“I am doing fine!” Saori responded, closing the book as she twisted her head slightly to look in his direction, “It’s such a beautiful day!” she said smiling.

“That it is! I don’t blame you for staying behind by the way. I remember when I was younger, harvesting bananas was hard and painful work, though I suppose Hezekiah would not have made you actually do any of that.”

“Yes, today is a day to relax. Hez loves working with his hands, and getting all dirty. I just can’t do that every single day. Every now and then I have to take some time just to lay here by the water.”

“I understand.” Father Lewis said smiling as he leaned up against one of palm trees. “I think that boy fancies you quite strongly…” Father Lewis said looking out on the water, “He is always talking about you, when you are off with the kids somewhere.”

“Really?” Saori asked surprised.

“Oh yes! He told me the story about you two. I did not realize the extent of what you both had been through.”

“He told you?” Saori said looking away with a slight hint of shame.

“Yes. I have to say, I admire your courage. Many women who have been through such trauma never recover. I have seen it time and again in my visits to Kuala Lampur. I understand there will always be pain, but I admire your willingness to love despite the injustices done to you in the past. The ability to love despite the darkness of this world is a precious and rare gift.” The priest stopped himself before he got carried away and began a sermon.

“But anyway,” Father Lewis continued, “I see how you two are with each other. I can tell that he loves you very much.” He paused, “Life is too short to keep your feelings hidden from one another. You should make your heart known to him because you never know what tomorrow may bring. He’s described the night you both met several times now, and every time he brings it up, he keeps coming back to you, standing in your black dress in the doorway of your friend’s hotel room, as though it is an image that his mind can’t let go. It seems to me that God brought you two together for a reason, and I am very glad that He brought the both of you here. It has truly been a blessing.”

Just then one of the older kids came up to Father Lewis and told him that a well dressed businessman was at the front gate and wished to speak to him.

“Well my dear. Think on what I have said. Don’t be afraid to open your heart to Hezekiah. He is a good man. I suppose I have to go and attend to these unexpected visitors.”

Saori lay there swinging quietly. Hez loves me? she thought. She had known for weeks, subconsciously that Hez loved her, but it never really surfaced in her mind or became real to her as it had in this moment. It was probably because it was still difficult for her to comprehend how any man could love a woman like her, and yet, she felt great joy at the thought, and she locked her joy away, deep within her heart. She smiled and gazed out on the lagoon and the boat which had been the vessel of her escape. Life can be so beautiful… Saori thought, surprised by her epiphany.

Saori heard cars pull into the mission, and she sat up to see who was pulling in. When she saw the black Suburban, a shiver immediately shot down her spine. Three men got out of the Suburban, but Saori could not see their faces. Father Lewis welcomed the men inside, and the younger kids who had not gone down the road to harvest bananas all gathered around the windows peering inside to see the well-dressed men.

I wonder what they want. Saori pondered as she got up and walked toward the kitchen window with a quiet anxiety. Something inside her made her uneasy, but she had to know who these unexpected visitors were.

………

“We can offer your children the opportunity to have a great future. Our schools are the best in all the region, and when they are done with their schooling, my organization has connections throughout Hong Kong and Tokyo which will make sure they find good jobs.”

“I would love to be able to give my kids a great education, but I could never afford to send them to your schools.”

“Well it wouldn’t be entirely free, but it would cost you no money. The kids would learn trade skills by working between studies, and in effect they would earn the right to be at our school. Our system of education was developed by the best philanthropists in all of South East Asia, and I guarantee you that our organization cares first and foremost about the well-being of all the children under our care.”

Father Lewis liked what he heard, but something inside him urged him to be cautious. Father Lewis could sense a sinister presence in the room but he could not put his finger on its source. The Chinaman was well spoken, and seemed to know what he was talking about, but the priest felt slightly troubled.

“Give me some time to think about it.” Father Lewis said, “How long will you be in Malaysia?”

“We will be leaving by the end of the week.” Tao Sun replied.

“Ok, well I will discuss it with my children and get back to you. I am doing some work in the capital on Thursday so maybe we can speak again then?”

“I look forward to it.” Tao Sun replied with a smile that bordered on menacing. As Tao Sun shook the priests hand, he looked out the window and spotted Saori in the courtyard.

It can’t be Tao Sun thought, struggling to keep his composure.

“Is everything alright?” Father Lewis asked when he saw the strange look on the man’s face.

“Who is that girl? She is beautiful.” Tao Sun asked trying to sound casual.

“She is a guest here at the mission. She is a very sweet girl, but gentlemen, if you don’t mind, I have to get back to my writing.” Father Lewis motioned towards the door.

………

Saori was gripped with terror. She had not heard anything that the men were talking about, but she knew Tao Sun’s face as it had been seared into her memory.

How did he find me? she thought frantically as she walked hastily around the corner of the house.

Tao Sun exited the house and looked around the courtyard for Saori.

“Mind if I have a quick look around the mission?” Tao Sun asked.

“I think it would be better if you go.” Father Lewis said calmly, as the sense of urgency grew stronger within him.

“Watch him.” Tao Sun commanded his men in mandarin, and began walking.

“Where are you going?” Father Lewis asked loudly as he began to follow Tao. The priest had not moved two feet before both of Tao’s men stepped in front of him and pulled out their handguns.

“Back in the kitchen!” one of the men exclaimed, pushing Father Lewis roughly, and sending him tumbling into the door.

As Saori rounded the corner, her whole face turned white and her entire body was overcome with fear. Tao Sun stood confidently in her path, and that all too familiar smile came to his face as he saw the terror in her eyes.

“No!” She said breathlessly with a hint of devastation, and she quickly turned around to walk away. She did not even know where she was going to go. All she knew was she could not bear to fall back into Tao Sun’s hands.

“STOP!” Tao Sun shrieked in mandarin as he pointed his gun at her. Tao lifted a cell phone to his ear.

Saori froze, and her eyes widened when she heard Tao say,

“Tell my father, I found Saori.”

Tao hung up and walked angrily up to her, grabbing her roughly by the wrist and yanking her around. “I can’t believe my luck…” Tao said as he pulled her in close. “You still look like my number one slut.” He said cruelly, “I never thought you would stoop as low as an old priest… You always were an unpredictable girl.” Tao snickered. “I guess I will have to teach you a lesson!” he yelled as he pulled her violently towards the house.

“Please Tao! Don’t!” Saori struggled and pleaded as He opened the door to the hallway which ran through the center of the house and dragged her behind him. Tao flung open her bedroom door and threw her inside. Saori let out a scream as she stumbled, reaching out for the bed in an attempt to break her fall.

When Father Lewis heard Saori’s scream, he stood up quickly from the kitchen table.

“Sit back down!” one of Tao’s men said angrily, pushing him violently back into his seat.

By this time Hez was approaching the mission with a big bushel of bananas balancing on his right shoulder and a machete was held loosely in his left hand.

………

“I’ve thought about you every night since you ran away.” Tao said, struggling to hide his lust. Saori sat on the bed and cringed at every word he said. She looked at the floor because she could not bare to make eye contact with his lustful gaze. “I always thought you would reappear in some brothel somewhere, but I never would have guessed I’d find you here. And yet, here you are.” Tao said with a hunger in his voice, still pointing the gun at her, “The things I’m going to do to you…” he finished in Mandarin.

Saori was now shaking. She looked desperately at the door, hoping there would be an opportunity for escape. All the hope drained from her heart, and she reflected painfully on Hez. She hoped he would never find out what happened to her, and that it would not be too hard for him if he did. The thought of what was about to happen to her overwhelmed her and she could no longer hold back the tears. She knew now, in this moment that she loved him too, and she wished she could tell him one last time. All the talk the priest had done about God and purpose seemed overshadowed by the injustice which was about to befall her and the world now seemed more than ever to be ruled by cruel chance.

“Tears? What is this shit? I haven’t even begun to do anything to you yet. You’ve never bothered shedding tears before. You used to be so defiant. That is what made you my favorite. What’s happened to you? You’ve become so pathetic.” Tao locked the door, and began to unzip his pants, “Now I will give you something to cry about.” He mocked.

Tao had not even gotten his pant’s button undone, when all of a sudden a man came crashing through the glass doors to his right. Tao let out an agonizing scream as a machete came down like a hammer on the arm that he was holding the gun with. The machete was slightly dulled and it got lodged in Tao’s arm.

“FUCK!” he screamed, dropping to one knee while looking at the blade stuck in his arm. He looked back up in horror at the man standing over him.

“Hezekiah!” Saori screamed.

Hez unflinchingly dislodged the machete raising it back into the air violently, and bringing it  swiftly down a second time upon Tao who tried to block the blow with the same arm, but this time the machete cut all the way through, spraying blood all over the floor, and sending Tao’s arm to the ground with a thud. Tao was now screaming incessantly, and Hez did not hesitate, the man’s screaming drove him to continue for fear that the noise would alert somebody outside the house. Hezekiah mercilessly brought the machete back down on Tao’s head splattering blood all over Hez’s clothes and face, Tao continued to scream as his eyes began to roll back into his head. Hez landed several more blows to Tao’s head, and by the second one, Tao was silent, by the third and fourth his body collapsed lifelessly to the floor. Hez quickly picked up Tao’s gun as he heard the pounding footsteps of men running on the hardwood floor in the hallway.

“Get on the floor!” Hez yelled at Saori, with blood dripping from his nose and chin. Hez kneeled down by the wall on the left side of the room and focused all of his attention on the door. After a moment of silence, the door crashed open violently as someone kicked it in, breaking the door jam in the process. Hez did not see anyone, but squeezed off two rounds blindly, aiming for the center of the door. The bullets passed right through the door and hit one of the men; sending him crashing to the floor. When Hez saw he had not killed the man, he let off another round, hitting the man square in the head. Silence came over the room. Hez motioned for Saori to crawl under the bed, not once taking his eyes off the doorway. The door creaked as it swung slowly on its hinges, tapping against the wall and then swinging back until it encountered the man he had shot, and it came to rest there. The silence and tension was immense. Hez waited for the first sign of movement, but none came. He then heard the sound of the Suburban’s engine starting up.

“Shit!” Hez yelled as he scrambled to his feet and ran out of the room. Hez sprinted down the hall and crashed through the door at the end, rolling on the ground outside the house. When he got his bearings he spotted the Suburban reversing towards the gate. Hez stood up and took aim at the driver’s side. He let off two rounds which hit the glass to no avail, the windshield was bullet proof. Hez knew he was going to have to move quickly. He bolted towards the Suburban sending the driver into a panic. The driver hit the accelerator, but was not looking where he was going and he slammed into the outer wall of the mission. Hez got to the driver’s side door, and noticed that it was unlocked. He opened the door quickly, and the china-man inside shot frantically, hitting the bulletproof window which Hez was taking cover behind. The man quickly put the SUV into drive, but Hez aimed his gun from behind the door and unloaded the entire clip into the driver. The driver’s body, out of reflex, pushed down on the accelerator and the SUV took off rapidly. Hez was thrown to the ground by the impact of the door, and he watched as the SUV sped up and crashed into a large palm tree, bringing all of the violence to an end. Hez sat in the dirt in a daze as the dust coagulated in the blood which covered his arms and legs.

Saori! He suddenly thought getting up and running toward the house. God Damn Bastards! He thought as he approached her room. When he got there, even he was shocked by its appearance. Glass from the doors littered the floor, and there was blood covering the walls, the floor, and was even dripping down from the ceiling. Saori sat on her bed in a state of shock. She looked up at the bloody image of Hez with glazed over eyes. Hez stood over Tao, and then glanced up at Saori who had a mixed expression of relief and fear on her face. Hez turned to peer into the mirror on the dresser by the wall, and was stunned by what he saw. His whole face was red with blood, and his hair was matted with it as well.  Who was this man who looked back at him? He had just killed three men, and not even stopped to think.

“Hez…” Saori said quietly, breaking the silence, “Where is Father Lewis?”

“I don’t know.” He replied, still looking in the mirror.

“Maybe we should go find him?” She suggested, as she wiped the tears from her face, and stood up shakily.

They found him on the floor of the kitchen in a daze. The men had hit him over the head with their guns before running to check on Tao.

“Wha?” the priest let out in exasperation as Saori kneeled down next to him. Father Lewis smiled when he saw Saori’s face, and he brought his hand up and patted her gently on the cheek… “How did you?” Saori motioned towards the doorway with her head, and Father Lewis slowly looked over, his head propped up on the cabinets next to where he fell. “Hezekiah?” Father Lewis asked, not recognizing the bloody man standing in the kitchen. Hez knelt down next to Father Lewis, grabbing a napkin from the counter and ironically wiping the blood from the priest’s forehead.

“It’s ok.” Hez said gently, “They are all dead.”

Saori watched Hez gently wiping the blood and sweat from Father Lewis’s brow, and could not comprehend what had just happened. How could someone so gentle, do something so frighteningly violent? She thought back to the merciless way Hez had ended Tao’s life, and yet she felt no fear, she felt no disgust. He had become to her, justice incarnate. The darkness had come for her with determination, and he had destroyed it without mercy and without question. He had drenched himself in the blood of evil men, for her. Hez looked up at her and put his hand under her cheek, rubbing her face lightly with his thumb, and smiling a smile of relief.

“I don’t know what I would have done if I had of lost you.” Hez said softly, his white teeth contrasting strongly with the now dried blood on his face.

“I didn’t think I’d see you again…” She said putting her hand to her mouth as she again tried to hold back her emotions.

Hezekiah nodded lightly and continued to look into her eyes.

“Are you going to be ok?” Hez asked.

“I am now.” She said softly then pausing for a second, “We have to leave this place…” she continued sadly.

“I know.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Taken as an excerpt from the novel I am working on, Courage in a World Full of Darkness

The Beauty Of Existence – Thoughts from G.K. Chesterton

These are excerpts of thoughts and poems from Gilbert Keith Chesterton, an early twentieth century writer and poet, written in his early twenties while he was immersed in the dark pessimism of his time (the 1890’s) in art college. He wrote these as he struggled with his own existential questions, and this is the start of his journey to a life of writing on the important things in life. Beautiful stuff.

You Say Grace
You say grace before meals
All right.
But I say grace before the play and the opera,
And grace before the concert and pantomime,
And grace before I open a book,
And grace before sketching, painting,
Swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing;
And grace before I dip the pen in ink.

Here Dies Another Day
Here dies another day
During which I have had eyes, ears, hands
And the great world round me;
And with tomorrow begins another.
Why am I allowed two?

“… no man knows how much he is an optimist, even when he calls himself a pessimist, because he has not really measured the depths of his debt to what ever created him and enabled him to call himself anything. At the back of our brains, so to speak, there was a forgotten blaze or burst of astonishment at our own existence. The object of the artistic and spiritual life was to dig for this submerged sunrise of wonders; so that a man sitting in a chair might suddenly understand that he was actually alive, and be happy.”

“Mere existence reduced to its most primary limits, was extraordinary enough to be exciting. Anything was magnificent as compared with nothing. Even if the very daylight were a dream, it was a day-dream; it was not a nightmare. THe mere fact that one could wave one’s arms and legs about… showed that it had not the mere paralysis of a nightmare. Or if it was a nightmare, it was an enjoyable nightmare. In fact, I had wandered to a position not very far from the phrase of my puritan grandfather, when he said that would thank God for his creation if he were a list soul. I hung on to the remains of my religion by one thread of thanks. I [had discovered a] way of looking at things, with a sort of mystical minimum of gratitude.”

He wrote the following poem for his wife when they got married.

Between the perfect marriage day
And that fierce future proud, and furled,
I only stole six days – six days
Enough for God to make the world.
For us is a creation made
New moon by night, new sun by day,
That ancient elm that holds the heavens
Sprang to its stature yesterday –
Dearest and first of all things free,
Alone as bride and queen and friend,
Brute facts may come and bitter truths,
But here all doubts shall have an end.
Never again with cloudy talk
Shall life be tricked or faith undone,
The world is many and is mad,
But we are sane and we are one.